Save Me
by spontaneopyrokinetic
Summary: Raven has a secret and Beast Boy tries to help her with it...RavenBB. ((warning: contains cutting and character death, references to character suicide.)) This is my first aptly named story. Ever. Congratulate me. REVIEWS APPRECIATED.
1. Chapter One

[I know, I know...I should be working on Who Are You, but I want to write this.  
  
KURAMA: Darn right you should be working on the other story. Now I have to stay here twice as long.  
  
Ha.]  
  
[Disclaimer: Maybe it's a good thing I don't own Teen Titans...]  
  
[Dedication: I dedicate this story to my friend Peyton, who has the firm belief that Beast Boy is the greatest character in all Creation. I intend to prove this to all Raven fans with his role here.]  
  
Raven walked quietly through the tower as the rain poured down outside. Lightning flashed out the giant windows to her right as she entered the living room. The thunder's resounding roar echoed through the otherwise silent and dark building.  
  
It wasn't until she entered the safety of her room and closed the door behind her did she bring her arms out from under the cloak, where one hand concealed a box of tissues and the other held a kitchen knife.  
  
She sat down on her bed and listened to the thunder for a minute or two. It was dark in her room, like the rest of the tower, and she could barely see what she was doing as she pulled back the left sleeve of her leotard.  
  
Raven felt a tear slide down her cheek as the knife cut her skin, though she felt no pain. Every time she cut, she cried. (Nothing blew up, which was a miracle in its own right.) But she felt no pain. At least—not from the cut. There were about twenty cuts on her left arm, all lined up, nearly perfectly parallel, above her elbow.  
  
The new cut was fairly deep, like the others. She took a tissue and pressed it to the wound to stop the blood from staining her sheets if it fell there. She wiped her eyes and listened to the rain and thunder.  
  
Every time she cut herself, Raven asked herself the same thing: "Why do I cut?" And every time, the answer was the same: "Because I can't stand it." Can't stand what, you ask?  
  
Everything.  
  
Sometimes, when they went up against a really tough villain, one of them would get hurt. Sometimes, the one to get hurt was Beast Boy. And then Raven would nearly worry herself to death if it was serious. She loved Beast Boy, no doubt about that...but she also knew all too well that if you love someone without knowing whether or not they love you back can be fucking torture.  
  
But that wasn't all. Trigon had been bothering her nearly every day for as long as she could remember, but now it was considerably worse. He seemed to be able to sense when she was weak, and he seemed determined to defeat his daughter when she was at her weakest.  
  
Raven stood up, cleaning the knife with the tissue—she had to return it to the kitchen so nobody would miss it in the morning. She decided to keep the tissues just because.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"Raven, what are you doing up?" asked a groggy Beast Boy from a little ways down the hall. Raven nearly had a heart attack—she had been certain there was no one there a moment ago.  
  
"I should ask that of you."  
  
"Bathroom," he said, becoming more awake. "So what are you doing? Rain keep you up?" Raven nodded.  
  
"Go back to sleep, Beast Boy. I'm going to take a walk around the tower before I go back to bed." She blinked.  
  
"Can I come with you? I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I get a snack." Raven shrugged.  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
They walked in silence through most of the tower, making their way towards the kitchen. Raven wondered if she could inadvertently put the knife back into the drawer without her green companion noticing or if she should simply put it on the counter and blame it on Cyborg in the morning—  
  
"Huh?" she asked. They had ended up in the kitchen without her noticing.  
  
"I said, do you want a cookie?"  
  
"I thought you were a vegetarian."  
  
"Oatmeal cookies."  
  
"Oh. Sure, I guess." She reached out her hand to accept the cookie, but her cloak slipped from her arm.  
  
"What's that?" asked Beast Boy. Raven jerked her hand back, dropping the cookie.  
  
"It's nothing." Dammit, he had seen the blood that had soaked into her leotard sleeve...what now?  
  
"Let me see your arm."  
  
"No."  
  
"Let me see your arm, Raven." His voice was firmer.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just let me see your arm." He was pleading now. Slowly, Raven cast her eyes to her sleeve. "Don't tell anyone," she said. She pulled it back hesitantly to reveal the bloody cut and the scabbed-over ones. Beast boy took her hand in his and ran his fingers over the scars and cuts. His green eyes met her purple ones and he uttered one word.  
  
"Why?"  
  
[A/N: Woo...Raven's a little close to the edge, yes? I'm proud of myself for not cutting in about a month yet, and I figure writing about cutting is better than actually doing it. So. To those of you who read my other stories as I turn them out, I'm sorry. I have to write this first. I'm getting a hot lead on it right now, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.  
  
KURAMA: I think we know that much already.  
  
Shut up. Want an oatmeal cookie?  
  
KURAMA: Is that the one that was on the floor?  
  
Of course not.  
  
KURAMA: Good. ::takes cookie::  
  
It was the one I found in Beast Boy's room. 


	2. Chapter Two

KURAMA: You're sick. ::drops cookie::  
  
Fine. Give it here, I'll eat it.  
  
KURAMA: Eew.  
  
You don't have to eat it, do you? Be happy. I'm going to eat it.  
  
[Disclaimer: This is between you and me, but I know this guy who knows a guy who sells TV shows like this. Expensive, but worth it. Go check him out. He's where I got Kurama, but technically that's only a lease.]  
  
"Why?" Raven could feel the tears welling up again in her eyes, and failed at keeping one from sliding down her cheek.  
  
"Raven, why did you do this to yourself?" Beast Boy's voice was soft. His eyes were filled with concern. Lightning flashed again outside as Raven sought her words.  
  
"Because...because I can't stand it."  
  
"Can't stand what?'  
  
"Everything. The stress Robin puts on us in training, my father, you, and—"  
  
"Me? What did I do?" Tears were now flowing more freely down Raven's face and thunder boomed outside without startling either of them.  
  
"Nothing. But...I love you." Beast Boy blinked. He smiled a half-smile.  
  
"I love you, too. And that's why I don't want you to cut yourself. You're hurting yourself."  
  
Raven pulled her other hand out from under her cloak, the one that held the knife. She handed it to Beast Boy and took a deep breath.  
  
"I'm not promising anything, but I'll try," she said, as if she was almost sad to see the knife be tugged out of her hand.  
  
"I'll help you." She smiled as he wiped the tears away and lightning flashed, followed immediately by a resounding thunderclap. She sniffed back the remainder of her tears as Beast Boy leaned forward and planted a kiss on her forehead.  
  
"I love you. Let's go back to bed." She nodded as they turned to go back to the hall that both of their rooms were in.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
The next morning, it was still raining. Raven opened her lavender eyes and stared at her black ceiling. She felt even worse now that someone knew about her cutting. But she felt good at the same time because it was Beast Boy who knew...and he would help her stop.  
  
But did she want to stop? It was almost as much of a high as drugs or alcohol—not that Raven would know what those highs were like, mind you—and it helped in some strange masochistic way to see her own blood. She could forget about everything for about five minutes, watching the blood seep out of her skin.  
  
She looked at the clock; it was only five in the morning, yet she was fully awake. Raven wondered what Beast Boy was doing at that moment...  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
He hadn't slept at all since midnight, when they had returned to their rooms. There were good things about it: he knew how she felt about him now. However, this nowhere near overcame the bad: his friend, his teammate, the one person he cared for most in the world was hurting herself. Beast Boy didn't get it.  
  
How could it possibly be worth it to hurt yourself like that? He couldn't imagine ever doing that to himself. He didn't know how she could do it. How long had she been cutting? How many times? Had she ever seriously thought about actually killing herself? (Well, the last one was a bit of a duh...if she didn't want to die, why was she cutting herself in the first place?)  
  
Beast Boy rolled over onto his back and stared at his ceiling. He loved her. She loved him. She cut herself. He would help her stop. They would both be happy in the end.  
  
He hoped.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Beast Boy played gamestation all morning with Cyborg until the power went off around noon.  
  
"I was winning, too!" lamented the green one.  
  
"So what now?" asked Robin from the couch where he had been watching their game. "Pizza? Looks like the rain's slacked off a little; it was the lightning that knocked out the power."  
  
"Yeah, pizza sounds good. I'll get the car ready," said Cyborg.  
  
"You coming, guys?" Robin said. Starfire stepped forward.  
  
"I would be glad to come!" she said, skipping out after Cyborg. Robin raised an inquiring eyebrow in Beast Boy and Raven's direction. Raven looked up from her book long enough to say in a deadpan voice, "Pass. I'm not hungry."  
  
"I'm gonna stay here in case the electricity comes back on while you're gone and I can play against the machine so that when Cyborg gets back I can smoke him!" said Beast Boy, settling down on the floor next to the gamestation. Robin shrugged. "Suit yourselves." He turned and left.  
  
"You didn't stay behind for the power to come on, did you?" asked Raven, turning a page in her book. Beast Boy smiled faintly. "No. Not exactly." Raven closed her book and put it down.  
  
"I'm glad I found out," said Beast Boy. "I don't want you to do that to yourself, Rae." They sat for a minute or two, listening to the rain outside. Lightning flashed over the bay, followed not ten seconds later by a loud thunderclap.  
  
'And I'm glad I found out someone loves me, but how do I say that?' Raven thought, but Beast Boy kept talking and she realized that she didn't need to say it.  
  
"And...I'm glad I found out how you feel about me."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"Have you decided to tell anyone else about your cutting?" he asked softly. Raven drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, resting her head on top.  
  
"No. I don't want anyone to know." Beast Boy sat down beside her on the couch.  
  
"Can I...uh, can I see your arm again?" he asked tentatively. She pulled back her sleeve, not at all hesitantly this time. He looked at the line of cuts, and the ones that had healed above them, the ones that had become light pink scars. He ran his fingers over them, from her shoulder downwards.  
  
Raven inhaled sharply as he reached the one from the night before; it was tender, being not healed as much as the others. Beast Boy dropped her hand as a particularly loud chorus of thunder startled him.  
  
With a flicker and the soft whirring sound of the AC kicking in, the power came back on. Raven pulled her sleeve back down as if the light would reveal it to everyone on the face of the earth.  
  
"So...you wanna watch a movie?"  
  
[A/N: Whee...the power really is out here. I have a laptop, so I can still write. I think I'll do just that. What movie will they watch? I'm leaning towards The Ring, because that is my favorite movie EVER, but I'm also kind of edging closer to Paulie, because I love that movie too. Oh well. I guess we'll just see...  
  
KURAMA: You are quite a twisted person, you know that?  
  
What?  
  
KURAMA: Kidnapping me, threatening readers, and now giving characters mental problems and self-destructive habits!  
  
So? Mental problems and self-destructive habits are part of my life whether you have any say in it or not, fox-boy.  
  
KURAMA: You're hopeless.  
  
Thank you.  
  
KURAMA: That was not a complement.  
  
So?  
  
KURAMA: Nevermind. 


	3. Chapter Three

Give me that!  
  
KURAMA: No.  
  
Please?  
  
KURAMA: Not a chance, psycho.  
  
Kurama, give me that camera.  
  
KURAMA: No. You'll take pictures of me and put them on eBay.  
  
What ever gave you that idea?  
  
[Disclaimer: Considering what I do to the characters, I bet it's a good thing for the general public that I don't own anything important.]  
  
[Foreword: This chapter is a little light, but it's a tie-together with the whole storyline.]  
  
"So, what do you want to watch?" asked Beast Boy, holding up several DVDs. "We have The Ring, Paulie, Signs, Silence of the Lambs, Spiderman, Master of Disguise, Eight Legged Freaks, and Bend it Like Beckham." Raven thought for a minute. She'd seen The Ring at least four times in the last three weeks, hated Signs, was tired of Spiderman, had memorized the Master of Disguise, could quote Eight Legged Freaks, and had seen Bend it Like Beckham just the other day. That left Paulie and Silence of the Lambs.  
  
"Paulie," she said definitively. Beast Boy put in the DVD and they began to watch, sitting a respectable distance away from each other.  
  
This didn't last very long. The power went off again right when Ivy was about to buy Paulie. They both sat on the couch and fumed for a second or two.  
  
"I'm going to go meditate. Holler if you need something." Raven stood up and began to walk towards the stairs. As she left the room, she caught a glimpse of Beast Boy still staring stubbornly at the TV screen.  
  
After she was gone, the changeling grew somewhat tired of staring at a blank black screen, so he sort of looked around the room for a minute. He saw the book Raven had been reading earlier that morning and picked it up. The Telltale Heart and Other Classic Tales of Suspense. Seemed just like her, to be reading something so creepy. He looked inside at the table of contents. The Telltale Heart, The Birds, and a bunch of other things he didn't recognize were there. He started to read it and was almost halfway through The Birds when the lights came on again.  
  
It had been about an hour since the others left, and they were supposed to be back any minute, unless they had been held up for some reason or other. He hoped they weren't; he was kind of lonely. With Raven off meditating, it was almost like he was home alone.  
  
But that was no more. Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg came busting in the front door, wet as drowning otters and just about as happy. Beast Boy dropped the book on the coffee table and jumped up to meet them.  
  
"What happened?" he asked. Starfire wrung water out of her hair as she answered.  
  
"The storm was so bad that the pizza restaurant was not open for business."  
  
"The storm was so bad that there was a sixteen-car pileup at the intersection."  
  
"The storm was so bad that my baby was number nine in that pileup." Beast Boy stared, open-mouthed, at his three sopping-wet friends.  
  
"So what happened to the car?" he asked. Cyborg growled something about replacing the bumper, straightening the hood, and repainting the whole thing as he went off to take a shower. Starfire sat down on the couch, still attempting to get the rain water out of her hair.  
  
"It was an awful trip. We did not get to eat any pizza, or even dry off by going inside the restaurant."  
  
"So what did you and Raven do here?" asked Robin. Beast Boy looked at the TV.  
  
"We were going to watch Paulie, but the power cut out on us again," he said. "You guys want to watch it?"  
  
"Of course! I shall go make the popcorn!" said Starfire, forgetting about her hair. Robin followed her, wondering if she was a good thing to happen to the microwave. Beast Boy went to go find Cyborg and Raven.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"Hey, Raven. We're going to watch Paulie now. Do you still want to see it?" he asked when she cracked the door. She shrugged and went to the living room. It took Beast Boy a little searching before he found Cyborg, fuming over his wrecked car. After a bit of coaxing, everyone was in the living room, eating the popcorn that Robin had coached Starfire through making—"Wait, don't set it that high!"—and waiting for the movie to start.  
  
As was their proven luck, or lack thereof, the power went out again, just as Ivy's RV was about to run off the road. Cyborg stormed back down to his garage, determined to see to the well-being of his poor, mangled car. Starfire decided to go take a shower, and Robin resolved to train in the gym. Raven started looking around for her book.  
  
"What did you do with my book?" she asked. Beast Boy handed it to her, still munching on the popcorn. He handed it to her, his hand lingering in the air where her arm had been a second before after she took the book. After she had been reading an excerpt from The Shining for about five minutes and his hand was still in the air, she asked him what was wrong.  
  
"What are you doing, Beast Boy?" she asked. He didn't answer. "Beast Boy?" She waved her hand in front of his face. "Beast Boy..." she snapped her fingers and he blinked, seeming to pop out of his reverie.  
  
"Huh? Oh...I was thinking."  
  
"First time for everything..." Raven couldn't stand not to quip. He glared at her quickly before putting his hand down. It landed lightly on top of her hand. They both blushed and jerked their hands back. It had stopped thundering outside, but the rain kept falling as hard as ever, pelting against the tower unrelentingly. The windows behind the TV showed the bay, waves rough from the high winds.  
  
"You think the storm will turn into a hurricane?" asked Beast Boy listlessly.  
  
"In California?" Raven raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Good point."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
But it might have been a good thing if the storm had turned into a hurricane, that way the Titans would have all been busy helping the citizens escape it that night, when instead something happened that changed the scenario for the worse.  
  
[A/N: I hope you like my movie choices! For those of you who don't know, the movie they watched is about a parrot who tells his life story to a janitor who helps him escape from an animal research facility and find his owner. The other movies I just thought of off the top of my head. And for those of you who don't know, there are three main cities in the American comic world: Gotham City, Metropolis, and Jump City, otherwise referred to as New York City, Chicago, and San Francisco. Just for future reference...  
  
KURAMA: As if anyone would want advice from you.  
  
Why wouldn't they?  
  
KURAMA: You're a PSYCHO!!!  
  
I take pride in it.  
  
KURAMA: You would do something like that, wouldn't you?  
  
::smile:: 


	4. Chapter Four

KURAMA: You're weird.  
  
Exactly.  
  
KURAMA: Got any of those cookies left?  
  
Nope.  
  
KURAMA: Why not?  
  
You didn't want one, so I ate them all.  
  
KURAMA: You're mean.  
  
[Disclaimer: insert witty disclaimer here]  
  
"Azarath Metrion Zynthos...Azarath Metrion Zynthos...Azarath Metrion Zynthos..." Raven was meditating in her room as it continued to storm outside. It was almost six o'clock, but Raven didn't want to eat supper with the rest of the Titans. She didn't want to eat anything with anybody, really. Until someone knocked on her door. She opened her eyes and stood up.  
  
"What?" she said, cracking the door open. A pair of green eyes looked down at her. It was Starfire.  
  
"Friend Raven, would you enjoy eating supper with our fellow teammates?" she asked, smiling. Raven would have politely declined had the young Tamaranian not grabbed her arm and made her come along. Halfway down the hall, she stopped.  
  
"Why did you stop? Go ahead; drag me through the tower to dinner." Starfire moved the hand that was holding onto Raven's arm.  
  
"I felt something on your arm," said Starfire inquiringly.  
  
"It's nothing," Raven said a little too quickly.  
  
"What is it?" Starfire asked. Raven brought her arm underneath her cloak, hiding it from her friend.  
  
"Friend Raven, let me see what is on your arm, please." Puppy dog eyes.  
  
"No."  
  
"Please? I wish to see what is on your arm!" she grabbed Raven's arm and pulled the sleeve back. Her eyes widened as she stared at the marks. Raven's eyes also widened, but in fear. What would she do?! Starfire let go of Raven's arm and backed away, slightly horrified, very shocked, and quite confused. Raven tried to stop her as she turned and ran to the kitchen, where the others were fighting over who got to eat what.  
  
"I said I want the leftover pasta!"  
  
"So take it. I want that pizza form last week!"  
  
"Starfire, what's wrong?" Starfire staggered into the kitchen, a look of horror and shock on her face.  
  
"It's Raven. She—"  
  
"Oh, crap..." Beast Boy said a little louder than he wanted to. He received strange looks from all three of his friends in the room. "Uh...did I say that out loud? Heh heh..."  
  
"Starfire, calm down. What happened?" Robin put his arm around the alien girl's shoulders.  
  
"I went to retrieve friend Raven for dinner, and when I did, I felt something on her arm. I pulled her sleeve back and—there were awful scars and cuts and other such wounds, all in a row! What happened to her?" She was on the verge of tears.  
  
"I'm sure it was an accident, Starfire. Calm down," said Cyborg. Beast Boy dropped his spoon and snuck past his teammates. He ran up the stairs to the hallway that Starfire had come dashing out of.  
  
Raven was still standing there in the middle of the corridor; sleeve still pushed back, eyes still wide. She just stood there, exactly as she was when Star had run off. She slowly looked over at Beast Boy, a tear sliding down her cheek.  
  
She sank to her knees, and he stepped forward to put his arms around her shoulders. The secret was out, and no matter how much anyone disliked it, it could not be changed. Raven cried into Beast Boy's shoulder silently. Nothing exploded. Nothing broke. But she cried.  
  
.  
  
Robin, Cyborg, and Starfire appeared at the other end of the hall. Starfire couldn't stand it and ran back to the living room, but Cyborg and Robin stepped forward. They could see Beast Boy's back and Raven's cut arm wrapped around it from the other side. Robin's mouth hung slack as he stared in shock at what his friend had done to herself. Cyborg just kind of stood there, astonished.  
  
"Raven..." Robin was at a loss for words. Without letting go of Raven, Beast Boy spoke to him.  
  
"Don't say anything, Robin. Just go away and leave her a lone for a minute." They retreated. Gradually, Beast Boy coaxed Raven to stand up and walk with him back to her room.  
  
"Beast Boy...what will they say?" she asked softly as he laid her down on her bed and pulled the covers up over her shoulders. He kissed her on the forehead and stood back up.  
  
"I'm gonna go talk to them about it right now. Just...calm down and try to get some sleep or something."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"What happened to her?" asked Cyborg when Beast Boy entered the living room. Beast Boy sat down on the couch and prepared to give a long explanation.  
  
"She...she's having a few problems right now. Stress, mostly, but her father's been attacking her lately, and there was a thing with me..."  
  
"Whoa, you mean she did THAT to herself out of STRESS?!" Robin yelled.  
  
"Mostly, yeah."  
  
"Well what was the rest? Raven did not hurt herself like that from stress alone, yes?" said Starfire, still shaken up.  
  
"That's all she told me, and even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you."  
  
"Why the hell not? We're her friends; we're here for her."  
  
"Because that would be something for her to tell you, and I don't want to invade her privacy by telling you something that isn't mine to tell. I'm not a joker all the time."  
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, the sky behind them growing darker until the only illumination for the whole tower was the occasional weak lightning flash. Robin finally dragged himself up to the gym to think himself through a training session. Starfire decided to go to bed after she had been sitting there until nine. Beast Boy went up to check on Raven. Cyborg just kind of sat there like a metal vegetable.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"Raven? Can I come in? It's Beast Boy." He opened the door. There was almost no light, but he could tell she was asleep. He made his way quietly across the room. She was beautiful when she was asleep. But she was beautiful any time.  
  
[A/N: Well den...secret's out and Starfire is seriously freaked. Things are certainly getting twisted around a little. I was thinking about this earlier (hide your children, I was thinking!) and realized that in a way, this can be related to Paulie: bird tells problems to unusual protagonist, who helps solve aforementioned problems. Sweet.  
  
Kurama's asleep. He can't talk right now, but I will tell you that he does snore something awful.]  
  
[Afterword: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you who reviewed!! This is the most response I have ever gotten in such a short time for one of my fics!!! Thank you all!!] 


	5. Chapter Five and Review Answers

KURAMA: That's what I get for sleeping, I suppose.  
  
Yep.  
  
KURAMA: What did you do with the negatives?  
  
I'm not telling you.  
  
KURAMA: Why not?  
  
Because.  
  
KURAMA: Because why?  
  
I don't feel like it. Maybe later.  
  
[Disclaimer: Nothing, I tell you, nothing! But you still have Zoidberg...]  
  
[Foreword: I have answered my first lucky thirteen reviews at the bottom! Look for yours! If you don't see yours, you sent it after I posted this. But send reviews anyway! I really appreciate them and they motivate me to write.]  
  
The weather seemed hell-bent on reflecting the mood of those in the tower. It was raining still, not hard like before, but steadily raining out its life. Cyborg immersed himself in fixing the T-car, only coming out of his garage to get food. Robin sat with Starfire on the couch, attempting to console her.  
  
"But why would she do something like that, Robin? Why would anyone do such a thing?"  
  
"We don't know. We'll have to wait for her to tell us herself."  
  
Beast Boy sat in Raven's room with her, talking about everything that happened.  
  
"I'll go out later, I guess."  
  
"Do you necessarily want to go out?"  
  
"No. But I have to talk to them...they'll just drag me out there otherwise."  
  
Then their conversation would drift to completely random things.  
  
"If a tree falls in a forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?"  
  
"Do the other trees laugh at it?"  
  
"If a man's in the forest and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
Then Beast Boy got hungry and went to get something to eat. After being assured that Raven wasn't hungry, he left. Starfire and Robin were still sitting on the couch, but now they were watching Paulie before the power had a chance to go off again. The people at the institute were clipping Paulie's wings.  
  
"How is she?" asked Robin, pausing the movie.  
  
"She's in a better mood today." Starfire sighed.  
  
"I am glad she is in a better mood, but I still do not understand."  
  
"She said she'll come out of her room later. You can talk to her then." He went into the kitchen to look for something to eat. He found some leftover tofu in the fridge and got it out. He sniffed it. It smelled like an old shoe, so he ate it anyway.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
About seven, when the other Titans were done eating and Cyborg was STILL in his garage, Raven slipped unobtrusively into the kitchen and began making herself some tea. Starfire looked at her out of the corner of her eye and continued to wash the dishes.  
  
Raven wished they would stop skirting around her like she was about to break or fly into a fit of rage. She could feel Starfire staring at her as she poured her tea and went into the living room. She could hear Robin's sigh of relief as she stepped away from the knife drawer.  
  
Beast Boy sat beside her on the couch with a funny look on his face.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" asked Raven. Beast Boy exhaled.  
  
"Do I have tofu breath?"  
  
"I'd rather not find out. You always smell like an old shoe anyway." She began to look around for her book of short stories when Starfire sat down at the other end of the long couch. Robin sat next to her, between her and Raven.  
  
:: James Bond theme music:: Silence...Awkward Silence. (Sorry, I couldn't resist...)  
  
"Can we see—" Robin began softly, before Raven just stuck out her arm and continued reading. He looked at her oddly and pulled her leotard sleeve back to reveal the cuts.  
  
"Twenty-six in all on that arm, four on the other. I'm right handed," she said, still without removing her eyes from the book. Starfire stared in fascination at her friend's mutilated arm.  
  
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Robin asked, speaking for the both of them. Raven sighed.  
  
"Because I can't stand it. All of it. The stress from being a Titan...my father...a lot of things."  
  
"But you are hurting yourself!"  
  
"Starfire...that's the point. But it doesn't hurt. It feels good."  
  
"I am confused. Pain is a bad thing! Surely you cannot derive pleasure from such a—"  
  
"But I do. It's not exactly a euphoric thing—then we'd all be six feet under—but it makes me feel better."  
  
"Oh...Have you thought about stopping?" she asked timidly.  
  
"I'm trying."  
  
"I'm helping," said Beast Boy, grinning.  
  
[A/N: Yay, another chapter! I decided to answer my first lucky thirteen reviews. Then, as soon as I decided that, I got another review! So...there's an extra one, but it's still going to be the lucky thirteen.  
  
Zerin Emperess (for chapter one): Thank you lots! I'm glad I inspired you to update.  
  
Zerin Emperess (for chapter two): Thanks.  
  
Eva (for chapter 3): Thanks...I guess. Enthusiastic, aren't we?  
  
Identity99: Thank you! I'm glad you appreciate my writing!  
  
EndlessDeviltry: I would have chosen The Ring, but I decided Paulie. I think it relates to the story in some minor way.  
  
Raven-Vegeta: Thanks. I did.  
  
leahgrave: Ah yes...the rubber bands never work, do they? ::glares at rubber band on wrist:: ::snap:: ow... thanks for the website recommendation!  
  
dana1313 (for chapter 3): I do take pride. I am insane. I am happy.  
  
Eva (for chapter 4): Better. Thankee!  
  
dana1313 (for chapter 4): Thanks! I have every intention to.  
  
therealbeastboy1: SHHH!!! Quit giving away the ending! Actually, I hadn't thought of that before but will deeply consider it now.  
  
Rusty Marshmellows: (I love your name.) I am so flattered!! ;  
  
Liz: Thank you!  
  
Thank you all!!!! ::skips off singing:: I love my fans and my fans love me...  
  
KURAMA: That makes two of you.  
  
Shut up. 


	6. Chapter Six and Review Answers

::looks at e-mail inbox::  
  
::heart attack::  
  
I've had the last chapter up for less than thirty minutes as I write this, and I already have four reviews!!!! Thank you!!!! I love you all and you've put me in the best mood I've been in, in over a MONTH. Yet I can still write depressing stuff. Just you wait.  
  
I have duct-taped Kurama to the ceiling fan to keep him from offering any negative input. So there. Ha.  
  
[Disclaimer: You wouldn't want me to own Teen Titans.]  
  
Raven sat on top of Titans tower during a lull in the storm as it was nearing dark. It was still plenty overcast, but the rain had stopped for the time being. Everyone seemed to be taking it well enough, even Starfire, once the situation was explained to her.  
  
All the sharp objects had been removed from her room, and all the cuts that had not yet healed were given proper medical attention (Neosporin, anyone?) and left to heal. Lightning flashed over a part of the mainland Jump City and Raven turned to head back down the stairs.  
  
In the hallway at the bottom, she met Cyborg, who was heading back to his garage.  
  
"How's the car coming?"  
  
"How's the arm coming?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Nothing. It's nearly finished." If I may borrow a line from Osmosis Jones: "Who turned off the heat? It's cold up in here. Somebody pay the bill!"  
  
"What's wrong with you?" asked Raven, a little annoyed at her teammate.  
  
"I'm fine, thanks." Rude much? Raven decided to let it go and went on her way back to the kitchen to get something to eat; she was finally hungry.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"What's wrong with Cyborg?" she asked Beast Boy, who was looking for more tofu. He found an old Chinese take-out carton and sniffed it. Gagging, he threw it into the trash.  
  
"I don't know. He came in here and ate some pizza a minute ago. I thought he was just still mad about the wreck. You sure that's not it?"  
  
"He asked how my arm was, but he really had an attitude," she answered, getting a cookie from the jar. Beast Boy pulled out a carton of soy milk and drank some.  
  
"Eew...dude, this stuff's gone chunky..." He tossed it. Raven made a face and put her cookie down. "But no, I don't know what's going on with him. Maybe you should go ask him." He again immersed himself in the contents of the refrigerator. Raven shrugged. She didn't have anything else to do.  
  
But first, she grabbed that cookie. No matter how gross the stuff that Beast Boy was digging up was, she was hungry.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Cyborg was bent over under the raised hood of the T-car, tinkering with something or other. Raven stepped down into the big gray room that was illuminated only by the light of a gooseneck lamp over one of the workbenches.  
  
"Cyborg?" Bang. Jerking his head up to see who had called his name, Cyborg hit his head on the hood of the T-car.  
  
"Oh. It's you. What do you want?" he asked, going back to messing around with the engine.  
  
"You know, you're being awfully rude."  
  
"So? You gonna go cry and cut yourself now?"  
  
"No! Why would I do that over someone being mad at me?" Cyborg stood up and went over to the workbench, where there were many blueprints of the T-car. He found a screwdriver and headed back to his car.  
  
"I just don't think that you have a very good reason." Raven raised an eyebrow and across the room, a box of nails burst into flame.  
  
"Not a good reason?" she repeated. "I know you're part of the team and all, so you have the same amount of stress there. But do you have your demon father breathing down your neck trying to get you to join his side? Do you have to meditate every day so you don't blow something up every time you get upset? Do you?" She stared at him coldly.  
  
"Well, no, but—"  
  
"I didn't think so." She looked at the car. "Good luck with that heap of spare parts. She turned and left in a huff, desperately willing everything to not explode.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Raven sat down angrily on the couch behind Beast Boy, who was playing gamestation.  
  
"Jackass," Raven muttered.  
  
"Things didn't go well with Cyborg?" he asked, eyes glued to the screen like a cheesy kindergarten collage.  
  
"How could you tell? He says I don't have a good enough reason for being depressed. What am I going to do? Just up and stop cutting just like that? I want to stop, but I know it's not an instant thing."  
  
"Yeah...CRAP!!" The power went off again. "I was about to win!!" yelled Beast Boy. "It's not even—" It started to rain again. "Nevermind."  
  
[A/N: Whee! Another chapter! And more reviews! I shall answer them:  
  
dannyphantomsgf: Thanks.  
  
byebyebb18: Yes, I will eventually have Raven stop her cutting. Or at least, here's to hoping ;. thanks. Ha! I'm going to thank you anyway.  
  
Da Mann: I thought there for a while I was writing him OOC, and then I realized that if he loves Raven and wants to help her stop cutting, he'd act like that. And thank you for the support! Thank you for wishing all of us well. I wish your friends the best as well.  
  
xgirl66: here you go.  
  
Evanescence Lover: Thank you! I'm glad you like my writing; I hoped for a while that I wasn't overdescribing.  
  
Shi: I sent you an e-mail.  
  
Funky D: Short? No offense, but this is one of the longer reviews. Thanks anyway! For explanation of OOC-ness, see answer for the review from Da Mann.  
  
&&Review, please, because reviews motivate me to write more of the story and less slapstick such as the following: &&  
  
:: Kurama falls from ceiling::  
  
KURAMA: Ow.  
  
That's what you get.  
  
KURAMA: For doing what?  
  
Whatever it is you did to make me tape you to the fan. 


	7. Chapter Seven and RA

Kurama got a taxi somehow. He'll be back. I have his boxers.  
  
[Disclaimer: Never mention this again.]  
  
All the Titans sat in silence in the living room, staring at the room in front of them. The power had been off for a couple of hours, and hadn't come back on again. Cyborg had finished his work on the T-car, so he was now forced to spend time with the other Titans.  
  
"So...now what?" Raven asked, breaking the silence. She would have read her book, but sadly there was no light.  
  
"We could play Pictionary," suggested Beast Boy.  
  
"Nobody can see anything, Beast Boy," said Robin.  
  
"We could play charades, then."  
  
"Nobody can see anything, Beast Boy," Robin said again.  
  
"We could play I Spy."  
  
"NOBODY CAN SEE ANYTHING."  
  
"OK, OK, Geez..." They sat for a few more minutes.  
  
"We could play Round Table," suggested Raven.  
  
"What is Round Table?" asked Starfire.  
  
"One of us starts telling a ghost story, and then everybody else takes a turn telling the story until it's done. It's either that, or Shadow Clown."  
  
"That depends. What is Shadow Clown?"  
  
"It's really more of a trick than a game. One of us stands in front of a mirror, in the dark—so now would be perfect—and somebody else stands behind them. The person behind tells the story of a clown that was killed by some kids who came to his carnival. He's looking for what they stole from him—nobody really knows what it is—and they say that if you are told the story, he will come seek you out that night. The next morning, you look at your back in the same mirror, and there's a long, thin, scar running from your right shoulder blade to the small of your back."  
  
"Perfect. A game about scars. We'll go with Round Table," Cyborg said coldly. Raven shot him an if-looks-could-kill look, even though he couldn't see it.  
  
"What's your damage, Cyborg?" Raven asked venomously.  
  
"My damage? MY damage? You're my damage." He stood up, shoulder-light on. Now everyone could see the if-looks-could-kill glare she was giving Cyborg.  
  
"I'm your damage? What did I ever do to you?" Raven stood up as well.  
  
"It's not what you did to me. It's what you've done to the team. With everybody all focused around you and your problems, we couldn't help any of the people even if we wanted to."  
  
"If you would take your head out of your butt long enough to open your eyes and take a look at me, you'd see that I can fight just as well as anybody else here."  
  
"I'd like to see you prove it, small fry." Beast Boy held Raven back as she tried to attack Cyborg.  
  
"Let me go! I'll show him! Let me go!"  
  
"Raven! Don't kill your teammates!"  
  
"I'm not going to kill him! I'm just going to whack him a good one upside his metal head." She stopped struggling. "But nevermind, I'm not going to waste my time. I'm going to bed." She looked back at Beast Boy. "You can let go of me now," she said. The green boy blushed and removed his arms from around her waist.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
When Raven reached her room, she nearly screamed out of frustration and anger. She seized her meditation mirror. But as soon as she looked into it, a pair of red eyes stared back at her. She dropped the mirror and stepped back as shards of glass flew everywhere.  
  
"My mirror..." She bent over and picked up one of the larger shards. Looking at her reflection in it, she still saw those red eyes. She sat down on her bed and sighed.  
  
Raven felt a tear in her eye as she pulled back her sleeve. But it never fell. Because she didn't cut. She just put the jagged piece of glass to her wrist and pressed lightly.  
  
She wouldn't have gotten the chance to cut even if she was planning to.  
  
Beast Boy knocked on the door. Raven didn't answer. So he came in anyway. And he saw her with the glass poised to slit her wrist.  
  
"Raven!" He crossed the room in about three strides and knocked the glass out of her hands. "You weren't gonna actually..."  
  
"...No. I wasn't. I promise."  
  
"You promise?"  
  
"I promise. I wasn't going to do it. I just...I don't know what I was doing. But I know I wasn't going to slit my wrists."  
  
"Is that your mirror?" asked Beast Boy, picking up the shard he had knocked aside.  
  
"Yes. I was going to meditate when I got up here, but I saw Trigon's eyes and it scared me. So I dropped the mirror and it broke."  
  
"Seven years of bad luck," observed Beast Boy. Raven snorted.  
  
"I don't believe in luck."  
  
"But you believe in evil clowns coming back to life and leaving a scar on someone's back?"  
  
"I never said I believed that. I said it was a party trick."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"I'm really going to bed this time, so can you leave?" Beast Boy stood up.  
  
"I'll clean the glass up first, though," he said, going to get a broom.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
As per the unwritten laws of the universe, Cyborg was chewed out by Robin for all the tower to hear. Raven went to sleep feeling slightly better about the situation.  
  
[A/N: Yay, another chapter!! Thank you to those of you who reviewed.  
  
I would like to dedicate this chapter to my friend Dominika, who was also stopped from committing suicide.  
  
Review answering time!  
  
raven1322: Thank you!  
  
Identity99: Okies...for the deal between Raven and Trigon...::clears throat:: Raven's father, who is literally the devil, is always supposedly mentally attacking Raven, trying to get her to join his side. In the comics eventually she does and ends up ruining someone's wedding...not telling whose. ::coughsrtoabrifnirecough:: Ha. See if anyone can figure that one out.  
  
Zerin Emperess (5): O...k...o.O  
  
Zerin Emperess (6): ditto.  
  
Eva (5): Heehee. Am glad.  
  
Eva (6): I plan to have more Raven/BB interaction in the next chapter...prepare for WAFFness...I dread writing this kind of stuff. But I love reading it and it helps tie the story together.  
  
StArRy1233: Haha. I shall tell him that.  
  
Raven-Vegeta: Power to the birds. (sorry, couldn't resist.) 


	8. Chapter Eight and RA

Kurama isn't back yet. I wonder if he minds if I sell the boxers on eBay...  
  
[Disclaimer: Fine. You caught me. I sold Robin at a pawn shop, abandoned Starfire on Highway 7, donated Cyborg to a local car repair shop called "AutomoBill's", and gave Raven to my friend Jen. But I have Beast Boy here with me...maybe I should give him to Peyton for his birthday.]  
  
It was nearly one AM, but Beast Boy didn't care. It might have been "just a dream," but if so, it was the most horrifying dream he had ever had in his entire life.  
  
Raven came to her door and opened it a little more than she would have in the daytime, so she could see who it was. It was Beast Boy. In his pajamas.  
  
"What do you want?" she asked, yawning. Beast Boy stammered, suddenly feeling very, very stupid for bothering one of his teammates because of a nightmare.  
  
"I...I...um...nevermind, it's stupid."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I had a nightmare."  
  
"Oh. You're fine. It was just a dream, Beast Boy." He sighed and turned around to go back to his room. It had seemed so real...he was scared out of his wits, until he had seen Raven's face. She was beautiful to him...he didn't know what kind of fool could ever see otherwise.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Beast Boy couldn't get back to sleep. He kept thinking about his dream. Nightmare wasn't even the word:  
  
Where was she? Where was she? There was no light anywhere in the tower, not even from the windows. Beast Boy was running through the tower, hall after hall, room after room, looking for Raven.  
  
Then he saw her. He reached Raven's room and saw her on the floor, in a pool of blood that he assumed was hers but hoped wasn't. He rushed over to her and knelt beside her still form. She wasn't breathing. He began crying, though she was beautiful even in death.  
  
Then the dream ended. A chill ran down Beast Boy's spine as he jumped up again and ran to Raven's room. This time, she let him in, because he was actually crying.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"I didn't think a nightmare could shake anyone up this badly," said Raven. She and Beast Boy sat down on her bed.  
  
"Well, it did."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"You were...you were...you were dead. And I felt like there was nothing I could ever do about it." Raven put her arm around the green boy beside her. "You were just lying there in a big pool of blood. I hoped it wasn't your blood...but I kind of had this gut feeling that it was. I was so scared...because it all seemed so real."  
  
"But it's over now, isn't it?" She hugged him and offered him a tissue from the box that was still in her room.  
  
"Yeah..." He was a bit afraid of what he was going to say next. "Raven...I was wondering...can I stay in here for the rest of the night?"  
  
[[If I may pause the story for but a moment and justify his statement here: We all know that when we were kids and had nightmares, we'd go into Mom and Dad's room, crawl into bed with them, and sleep just fine for the rest of the night, right? Same thing applies here. Beast Boy is classified in technical comic-buff terms as "the kid." This means that he is quite frankly the most immature. So he'd be the most likely to ask to sleep in a room for someone's company. /rant]]  
  
Raven was caught a bit off-guard at his request. She raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I understand if you don't want me to. I'll go back to my room then," Beast Boy said, throwing his tissue in the trash can.  
  
"No...It's okay. I'm just a little surprised, I guess," said Raven, lying down. Beast Boy sniffed again and leaned back into Raven's pillow. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep...  
  
...To no avail. Raven was long asleep when he looked over at her, nestled snugly under the covers. She breathed lightly and her eyelids fluttered as he turned over to face her. She was so beautiful to him...and Cyborg was being an idiot. He was mad at her for no reason at all. Well, he had a reason, but Beast Boy didn't think it was a very good one.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Raven woke up at about four in the morning. She opened her eyes and saw Beast Boy's green hair in front of her. He was comfortably snuggled back against her, caught in a dreamless and blissful sleep.  
  
Raven smiled slightly and put her arm around him. She was happy when she was with him. She wanted to feel this way all the time without blowing something up. She glanced at her arm.  
  
Would she have done it if Beast Boy hadn't stopped her?  
  
No.  
  
Are you sure?  
  
Raven shuddered and closed her eyes. When she was with Beast Boy...when she just saw his face or heard his voice, it seemed like there were no problems at all in the world. Like she was just a regular girl instead of a half- demon orphan from another dimension and she wasn't part of a team of superheroes.  
  
But that wasn't true. It could never be true, no matter how much anyone wanted it.  
  
Beast Boy opened his eyes. He yawned and looked around.  
  
"What time is it?" he asked.  
  
"Four."  
  
"In the morning?"  
  
"Duh."  
  
"Good. Night."  
  
He closed his eyes and snuggled in a little closer to Raven, like she was his security blanket in the eternal night of bad dreams. It was a mutually nice feeling.  
  
[Heehee...I'm not very good at waff...but tell me what you think anyway! I would have written more today, but I wasn't home. I shall probably update again tonight at around midnight like always. Thank you for your cooperation.  
  
I don't think Kurama's coming back. eBay, anyone?  
  
TsukasaSIGN: Thank you!!  
  
Jinnai: Thank you for being so polite! And thank you for your wonderful review!  
  
dana1313: lol  
  
doomed and deadly vamp: Thanks.  
  
EndlessDeviltry: Thanks. Here it be.  
  
AzerathMetrionZinthos12: Thank you thank you thank you!!!  
  
Eva: How's that for interaction?!  
  
xgirl66 (6): There it be.  
  
Funky D: That's okay (;) I like getting long reviews! Thank you lots!  
  
Miss Understood Genious: I think I have read your story...lemme get back with you on that.  
  
xgirl66 (7): see answer for #6  
  
rikagirls: I was going to say "I will NOT kill him off!" and then I nearly fell out of my desk chair for the good idea I have. I am not telling what it is. Thank you!!!!  
  
Piezo: Heehee. I shall. 


	9. Chapter Nine and RA

[Disclaimer: Huh?]  
  
[Third Dedication: I would like to dedicate this chapter to all my friends who cut. You know who you are.]  
  
When it was finally a decent hour for normal people to be up and about, Beast Boy snuck out of Raven's room while she was still asleep for a few more minutes.  
  
"What were you doing in Raven's room?" asked Starfire from behind him as he closed the door. The green one jumped roughly ten feet in the air.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You were in Raven's room, presumably all night from the state of your rumpled pajamas. Why were you in there?"  
  
"Uh...I was..."  
  
"It's obvious. He was sleeping with her." Cyborg nearly scared Beast Boy to death by talking right behind him without warning. Before anyone could register what was happening, Raven had opened the door, stepped out, and slapped Cyborg.  
  
"I'm just about tired of you," she said. "You and your goddamned snide comments. We slept NEXT to each other, not with each other, and I will thank you to never speak to me again, because it certainly works the other way around."  
  
They all looked at her, surprised. They had never thought she would actually hit him.  
  
Raven slammed her door in their faces and leaned back against it. She took a deep breath and looked around for one of the shards of glass left from when her mirror broke. She found one and pulled back her sleeve.  
  
The glass cut her forearm, leaving a thin trail of blood. She blinked and it was accompanied by a tear. Raven looked around for that box of tissues...  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"You know Cyborg...you're being a real jackass," said Beast Boy as he went back to his room. Starfire ran off to get Robin, and Cyborg went god knows where to mope around.  
  
In his room, Beast Boy fumed as he looked for some clothes. What made Cyborg think he had the right to talk like that to Raven? Or him, for that matter. So Raven cut herself. So what? She was going to stop soon, with Beast Boy's help.  
  
Was it that Cyborg was jealous? Was Raven stealing his best friend from him? Or was he jealous for a different reason...his arms were metal. Metal doesn't bleed. Beast Boy paused as he was tugging on his socks. Was that the reason?  
  
But why would Cyborg want to cut himself? At least Raven had good reasons...Raven. Maybe it was that he liked Raven...that certainly seemed a better explanation. Not nearly as far-fetched. Not NEARLY. By a long shot.  
  
Raven...what was she doing? Surely she didn't decide to cut again... Beast Boy jumped up and ran to her room. He knocked on the door timidly.  
  
"Go away, Beast Boy," came the voice from within.  
  
"Raven...can I come in? Please?" The door glowed black and opened a bit. "I'll take that as a yes..."  
  
Raven was sitting on the floor with her back to him. The bloody glass shard was to one side, abandoned as she just sat there and cried. The green changeling kneeled beside her and looked at her arm.  
  
The new cut wasn't very long, but it was noticeable. Beast Boy put his arm around Raven. She shrugged it off and handed the shard of glass to him. She sniffed.  
  
"I want to stop...I know it's wrong...but I can't, and I'm sorry." She took one of those jagged when-you're-crying breaths and looked again at the new cut. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm stupid to ever think that anyone could ever care enough about me to help until you came along, and then even that gets screwed up by some half-machine who thinks he can take over my life and ridicule me until I either stop cutting or slap him."  
  
"You're not stupid, Raven. I care about you, and so does the rest of the team. Even Cyborg. He's just...I have no clue what he is, but there's some explanation. I'll find out what it is, and then you tow can be on speaking terms, right?" Raven shrugged.  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Do you want to come with me, then?" Raven looked up, thinking over the consequences.  
  
"No."  
  
"Okay. I'll be back later." Beast Boy gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and left. Raven leaned back against her bed and drew her knees up to her chest. Folding her arms across the top of her knees and resting her head on her arms, she contemplated the worth of living any longer.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Beast Boy found Cyborg in his garage, just standing there in front of the T- car.  
  
"Go away, Beast Boy."  
  
"No. I want to know exactly what you mean by saying everything you've said lately. What's your problem?" Cyborg turned around.  
  
"I don't know. I love Raven like a sister, and I can't tell you how much it...disgusts me to see her like this. I want her to stop, but I don't think I can help. Nobody can help, because nobody really knows her."  
  
"I can try, can't I? We can all try."  
  
"What if that doesn't work? What if she ends up...killing herself?"  
  
"She won't."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Because..." Beast Boy thought about it for a second. He didn't know whether or not she had any more glass in her room, and even if she did...no. She wouldn't. "Because I just know, okay?"  
  
"Are you sure that's good enough?"  
  
[A/N: Well is it?  
  
KURAMA: I daresay not.  
  
What do you know?  
  
KURAMA: I brought my lawyer, that's what I know.  
  
Oh...hello there. ::smile::  
  
Gothica13 (7): Winner!!! What do you win, you ask? A walk-on role in the opening author's notes for the next chapter.  
  
Gothica13 (6): I would never, ON MY LIFE, cut in front of people. Ever. I don't like people to begin with, but whatever. Terra is evil incarnate. End of discussion.  
  
Rusty Marshmellows (8): Here ya go. More after a word from our sponsors.  
  
Rusty Marshmellows (7): Whee!!! You can also put me on the Author Alert thing if you haven't already so that you don't miss a chapter. If you haven't already. I've no clue.  
  
Ravenn03: If you will notice, I incorporated your idea into this chapter, but I didn't follow it through because I already had an idea. Thank you!  
  
Identity99: You win too!!! Another walk-on role in the author's notes for the next chapter!!! I'm not sure whether it was her fault or her father's fault. You're not asking too many questions! Go ahead!! Raven is technically a half-demon half-human. Her father, Trigon, was a demon and her mother was human. Azarath, contrary to popular belief, is NOT A PLANET. It is merely another dimension.  
  
Eva: Thanks.  
  
Raven-Vegeta: Thanks.  
  
raven1332: Thanks.  
  
Big Mac: Thank you and good luck.  
  
byebyebb18: There's your answer to the Cyborg question, and evidence against your Raven theory about her starting to stop. She wants to...but she can't. She's addicted.  
  
Thank you reviewers!! Good night, Cleveland!! (Actually, I live nowhere near Ohio, but I have friends there!) 


	10. Chapter Ten and RA

Identity99: Yes. Kurama has brought his lawyer.  
  
That's you?  
  
Gothica13: Nope. I'm his lawyer.  
  
KURAMA: I hereby demand a redress of my grievances, including full payment of the medical bill from when I fell from the ceiling fan and my boxers returned to me promptly.  
  
Dammit.  
  
KURAMA: What?  
  
I kind of...sold the boxers.  
  
KURAMA & Co.: WHAT?!?!  
  
[Disclaimer: Stephen King once said that when you get smarter, you don't stop pulling the wings off flies; you just find better reasons for doing it. Same applies to disclaimers.]  
  
Stephen King once said that when you get smarter, you don't stop pulling the wings off flies; you just find better reasons for doing it. Raven felt the same way. Not only that, but she was addicted to it. (No, you pinhead...not torturing insects. Cutting.)  
  
She would be the one to pull off her own wings and sit there for a day or two, waiting for them to grow back, until she finally ran out of strength and bled to death. Pleasant thoughts we're thinking all alone here in our rooms, aren't we?  
  
Raven was still curled up on her floor, though she had stopped crying. Someone knocked on her door. She didn't say anything.  
  
"Raven? May I enter?" Starfire said. The door glowed black for a second and opened a little. "Thank you." The young Tamaranian closed the door behind her and stepped forward. She sat down in front of Raven.  
  
"You...cut yourself again, I see," she said, looking at her friend's bare arm. "I am sure that Cyborg is just being...well, I do not know what he is being, but he is not being very nice. He has no reason to say such things." Raven smiled slightly.  
  
"Thanks, Starfire."  
  
"We are all here if you need to talk to someone. Robin, myself, and Beast Boy. I will not recommend Cyborg, because I do not know if I will talk to him, either...He is indeed being a...what was it you and Beast Boy both called him?"  
  
"Jackass."  
  
"Yes." They sat there in silence for a few minutes.  
  
"What does it feel like?" asked Starfire.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What does it feel like to cut yourself?"  
  
"...It's just like any other cut, I guess. Except that you're doing it yourself for a better reason than it was just an accident or something. I get this feeling...this feeling that everything's going to be alright and that I am alive and not going through hell. I'm just in Purgatory."  
  
"Purgatory?"  
  
"Some people believe that when you die, you either go to Heaven or Hell. Purgatory is the place you go before you go to either."  
  
"Oh. What is it like there?"  
  
"...Gray. Heaven is traditionally white, and Hell is traditionally black, so Purgatory must be gray."  
  
Another pause.  
  
"What's Tamaran like?" And so, Starfire launched into a complicated history of her home planet.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
It still hadn't stopped raining. For four days, it had been storming, and the rain gauge was beyond recognition. Nobody knew where Cyborg was, and that was just as he liked it. He sat in the rain and thought.  
  
'What am I so mad about? Is it just the fact that she's hurting herself? I love her like a sister, and I don't want her to hurt herself, but I don't want to help her, either. I don't want anything to do with her.' He sighed and looked out at the bay, waves crashing on the shore of the island that Titans Tower rested on.  
  
'She used to be...well, not happy, but at least she was stable. How long has she been cutting? How long has she been depressed like this?  
  
'I didn't mean what I said this morning about her and Beast Boy sleeping together. I was just mad, I guess. I should probably tell them that, but I don't want anything to do with her, especially talking to her. She'll give me that "drop dead, fucker" look...'  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Upon the arrival of lunchtime, Starfire left to find something to eat (Raven claimed she wasn't hungry and decided to meditate). She found Robin in the kitchen, also looking for something to eat.  
  
"Is it ever going to stop raining?" asked Starfire. Robin shrugged.  
  
"The weather guy says it's supposed to last for another week. Definitely not California weather...How's Raven?"  
  
"She is feeling better, I think. She has stopped crying, at least."  
  
"Good. Do we have any pizza left?"  
  
[A/N: Sorry about the Stephen King stuff...I'm reading Carrie as I write this, so...pardon.  
  
Thanks to the website recommendation from Da Mann, I surfed around on self- injury.net earlier today. I learned things I did not know before. For instance: Princess Diana (of Wales), Johnny Depp (CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean), Angelina Jolie (Lara Croft from Tomb Raider), and Christina Ricci (Wednesday from The Addams Family) all self-injure. I did not know this before. Interesting. Just thought I'd share.  
  
Raven-Vegeta: Whatever blows your skirt up, hon.  
  
Identity99: Beast Boy is from Earth. No joke. When he was little, he got a disease that only animals can survive, so his parents gave him animal DNA so that he could survive the illness. Then they died in some lab explosion or other. I am thinking of having something happen with the omnipresent storm soon, but Trigon can't attack outside of Raven's mind, because he is presumably in Azarath. Go figger. Terra must die. Terra is bitch.  
  
byebyebb18: Thank you.  
  
TsukasaSIGN: It should. I listen to Evanescence while I write. Mostly. Sometimes Jack Off Jill or Aerosmith. Mostly Evanescence, tho.  
  
Big Mac: Thanks! 


	11. Chapter Eleven and RA

KURAMA: Good day.  
  
You can't leave!  
  
KURAMA: I think I can.  
  
You'll hear from MY lawyer next, fox!  
  
KURAMA: You have a lawyer?  
  
Yea...yeah...  
  
[Disclaimer: Teen Titans is indeed divine, but alas it is not mine.]  
  
"What?"  
  
"I know...but it was a nice feeling and all, right?" Raven raised an eyebrow and stared at the be-pajama-ed Beast Boy. She smiled a little and stood back to allow him entrance to her room.  
  
(Again with the James Bond music.) Silence, Awkward Silence. (Soon in theatres: From Azarath With Love. Sorry....couldn't resist.)  
  
Raven and Beast Boy laid there on her bed in silence, each painfully aware that the other was awake. They were as they had been the night before: Raven's arm around Beast Boy and Beast Boy curled up in her embrace, staring out at the darkness of the room.  
  
"So..."  
  
"..."  
  
"I love you, Raven." She smiled and hugged him a little tighter.  
  
"I love you too, Beast Boy."  
  
. .  
  
It was ten till twelve and they still were not asleep, just sitting there staring into space.  
  
"What's your real name, Beast Boy?" asked Raven after a ten-minute silence.  
  
"Garfield."  
  
"No, seriously."  
  
"My name is Garfield Logan."  
  
"Oh...you were serious. Oh. Um...it's...uh..."  
  
"Weird. I know. But yours has to be even weirder."  
  
"Not on your life."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
It was after one, and Raven was finally asleep. Beast Boy looked at the arm that was draped around his middle. It was her left arm, the cut one. He hesitantly pulled back her leotard sleeve to her elbow to look at the new cut.  
  
It was jagged and irregular. Beast Boy laced his fingers with Raven's, though there was no response from her. He snuggled back into her and pulled the covers over his head to go to sleep.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Cyborg paused outside Raven's door the next morning. He was going to knock and apologize whether she would listen or not, but he was beginning to have second thoughts.  
  
Beast Boy was probably in there, too. Sleeping with...next to her. That just plain old disgusted him. If they wanted to...he'd rather not think about it.  
  
Again, he raised his hand to knock, and again he put it down before it connected. Cyborg turned and left in a huff. He wasn't going to waste his time.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"Raven? Are you awake?" Robin's voice floated across the room, slightly muffled from the door. Automatically, Raven opened the door telekinetically, without even opening her eyes.  
  
Robin looked inside, and when he did was fairly shocked. He didn't actually believe Cyborg the day before when he had said that Raven and Beast Boy were sleeping together, but—  
  
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Boy Wonder," said Raven. Beast Boy opened his eyes and stuck his head out form under the covers.  
  
"Morning," he said groggily. "Robin...what do you want?" He yawned.  
  
"I just wanted to tell you that Starfire, Cyborg, and I are going to go into the city just to check up on stuff and see if we can help with some of the damage caused by the storm or anything. You want to come?"  
  
"Cyborg's going? Not a snowflake's chance in hell," Raven sneered.  
  
"Yeah. I'm not too happy with him right now either. Pass."  
  
"Okay then. We'll be back around noon." He left.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"You hungry, Rae?" Beast Boy called from halfway in the fridge. Raven, who had finally found her book again, was immersed in it and waved a hand no. Beast Boy continued looking until he found something that resembled edible food. He still didn't know what it was, but it didn't smell dead yet, so what the heck.  
  
"You know, you don't eat much."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"I do not have an eating disorder."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes. I've never eaten much."  
  
"But you haven't had a full meal in three days."  
  
"So? I'm not hungry."  
  
"Whatever. Does this smell dead to you?"  
  
[A/N: Do YOU think she has an eating disorder? Huh? Huh? Well, really, no matter what you say, I have a plan fer this here story. Not telling what it is.  
  
KURAMA: That's just like you, isn't it?  
  
Where's your lawyer now, fox?  
  
KURAMA: Prison.  
  
What did we learn?  
  
KURAMA: Don't piss off the author.  
  
But...  
  
KURAMA: But it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.  
  
.  
  
Jinnai: Cool. Thanks!  
  
TsukasaSIGN: Whee!!! "Numb" is one of my favorites, but I LOVE "Breaking The Habit". (I can even play it on the piano. :) ) I'm on the waiting list for Meteora at f. y. e.. Two to six weeks, baby!!  
  
Eva (9): Cool. Thanks.  
  
Eva (10): Thank you!  
  
gloomy: Thank you!  
  
gothica13: You are very welcome.  
  
Bilious: Oh well. I got the idea, I'm writing it, and there you have it. I'm glad you like it, though! I know she can heal. I choose to ignore this, however, as this would defeat the purpose of the entire story.  
  
Thank you all for reviewing! It's a good habit. 


	12. Chapter Twelve and rather amusing RA

KURAMA: Goodbye.  
  
Where the hell do you think you're going?  
  
KURAMA: Home. I'll send someone back after me, so you won't get lonely.  
  
No thanks. I've got people from other shows on the way here. Beast Boy is dropping by later. Get packing, Kurama.  
  
KURAMA: Fine. Give me my boxers.  
  
[Disclaimer: I told you it's a good thing I don't own the characters! Read on.]  
  
Nobody had expected it. Nobody had wanted it. But it happened nonetheless.  
  
None of them were able to speak for a while after it happened. Except Raven...she flew into a rage and nearly destroyed half the town. What happened to make her do this, you ask? I shall tell you.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Raven and Beast Boy arrived on the scene of Cinderblock's destruction not five minutes after Robin had called for help. The rain was still pouring down in torrents, and they were having a hard time apprehending the giant stone man.  
  
But when they did...it wasn't a good victory.  
  
Cinderblock's heavy granite body fell to the street, bringing a certain green changeling down with him. It seemed to go in slow motion. Cinderblock falling...Beast Boy yelling...Raven's heart skipped a beat. Was this really happening?  
  
When they were able to move again, the four remaining Titans stepped forward and tried to move Cinderblock. When they finally got the dead stone goliath rolled out of the way, they knew it was too late.  
  
One final shuddering breath, and then...nothing. The rain kept falling, the wind kept blowing, but Beast Boy stopped breathing. Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg looked warily over at Raven, whose face was slipping from a look of astonishment to one of supreme anger and hurt.  
  
With no effort actually from her consciousness, Raven's eyes began to glow white and random objects around her glowed black. A bus rose into the air and crashed into a building. Parking meters, mailboxes, cars, dumpsters, rocks, pieces of Cinderblock, and other debris flew through the air, smashing into buildings and causing a general amount of damage.  
  
Raven could feel a scream welling up in her chest, and she tried to keep it back to no avail. The sound was pain-filled, loud, and heart-wrenching. It came from her heart, and it sounded to all who heard it as though her very soul was being ripped from her body.  
  
She sank to her knees as she continued to scream a scream so powerful that it held her pain, her sorrow, her feelings. Without warning, she jumped up into the air and floated there, still screaming her heart out.  
  
As the sound faded away in the still-roaring wind, and the objects that were glowing black smashed to their final places of destruction, Raven dropped down to the pavement with a soft thump and began to cry uncontrollably. Sobs wracked her frame as she fell to her knees helplessly.  
  
Starfire stepped forward and put her hand on Raven's shoulder. She shrank away from it violently and said in a hoarse voice, "Get away from me!" The Tamaranian backed off. Robin tried his luck next, and got the same response.  
  
"I think we'd better just leave her alone," he said, leading the other two away from Raven. The rain continued to fall. Raven continued to cry. The world kept spinning, though she wished it wouldn't.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
When Raven finally pulled herself together and decided to go back to the tower, she kept stumbling like a drunk. She could no longer distinguish between tears and rain. She fell once or twice, scraping up her hands and knees. But she didn't care.  
  
She collapsed on the couch when she reached Titans Tower. Nobody else was in the room, so she began talking to nobody.  
  
"Why couldn't it have been me? Why?" A tear fell from her eye to the couch. She looked at it and continued to talk. "I love you, Beast Boy. I wish it had been me. You didn't deserve it. I did."  
  
"Why?" Raven sat up. Cyborg was behind her. He repeated. "Why do you deserve it?" He sat down next to her. Raven wiped away her tears to the best of her ability.  
  
"Because. He was a good person. He was...I loved him. He didn't deserve to die. I do. I'm not a good person. I'm just a burden to everyone. I'm a failure. I'm the devil's child for Christ's sake..." she sniffed.  
  
"You're not a failure. You're not. You aren't a burden to anybody. You're our friend. We're all sad to see him go, but—"  
  
"But I loved him. And he loved me. He was the only person EVER who told me they loved me. It felt so good. And now there's nobody left in the world who gives a shit about me." Again, things in the room glowed black and started to levitate into the air, flying around like debris in a tornado.  
  
"But we care about you. You're our friend. We'd be lost without you."  
  
"Well I think we're all lost without Beast Boy." She stood up and walked towards the doorway.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"To the café. Everything's shot to hell around here."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Raven walked the mostly empty streets of Jump City up and down for about thirty minutes until she found an open café. Her regular one was closed. As she stepped through the door of Harry's, she was almost glad—relieved, really; glad was a bit much—to see that there was almost nobody there. The bartender was there, of course, and a man in the corner was nearly asleep over his coffee, but other than that, there was no one.  
  
"Welcome. What can I get you?" Raven was silent and just sat down at the bar. Looking out at him from under her hood, she was still noiseless. The bartender shrugged and went back to cleaning the bar. A few minutes passed and he began to wipe shot glasses.  
  
"We heard the noise a while back. Was that you and the rest of the Titans?" he asked quietly. Raven raised her head.  
  
"No. That was just me." The bartender placed a mug in front of her.  
  
"Peppermint tea. It'll make you feel better."  
  
"Nothing will make me feel better."  
  
[A/N: ::ducks trash thrown by readers:: DON'T HURT ME!!! I know I'm mean...but it's all for the good of the story, ne? Please don't flame me...  
  
KURAMA: You'll be lucky.  
  
Inwe Lothelen: Thanks and good luck!  
  
TsukasaSIGN: Thanks. She was going to, and then I came up with this idea instead...I am twisted.  
  
Zerin Emperess (7): Thanks.  
  
EndlessDeviltry: That's okay. Thanks!  
  
new identity: Thanks.  
  
Zerin Emperess (11): Thanks.  
  
dana1313: Sorry. Was this better?  
  
The Mad shoe: Thanks.  
  
killallfags (6): ::Chuckie smile:: You better be hella glad you signed this anonymously, or I WOULD e-mail you and chew you out so that I don't have to waste time for my other readers, but here goes, and pardon my French: WHO GIVES A FUCK THAT YOU HATE ME OR THE DAMN THEME SONG? NOBODY, THAT'S WHO. AS FOR WHAT ELSE YOU SAID, I WON'T WASTE MY TIME. You're not worth it.  
  
Shegoshena: Thank you lots! Kurama is a character from a show called Yu Yu Hakusho that I borrow from time to time just to put funny stuff in my author's notes.  
  
purplemusicgoddess: Thank you!  
  
jgh: Thank you! I will.  
  
Raven-Vegeta: Thank you.  
  
Rusty Marshmellows: I'm not sure, but I have heard rumors that her real name is Metrion. I'm going to fire those clowns.  
  
raven 44: Cool.  
  
killallfags: YOU. ARE. SICK. AND. TWISTED. AND. I. WANT. YOU. TO. STAY. THE. FUCK. OFF. MY. REVIEW. LIST. Can you read, or are you just stupid? Nevermind. I know the answer to that. You're more stupid than anyone could ever hope to be. Congratulations, you win a scholarship to Stupid College.  
  
steph4nie ff: Thank you.  
  
Evanescence Lover (8): I'm so sorry!!!! I done killed him off now!!! ::cries::  
  
Evanescence Lover (9): LIGHTBULB!!!! I thank you immensely. ::slips EL a $20 bill:: Never mention this again.  
  
xgirl66: What do you mean?  
  
leahgrave: I was going to have her with an eating disorder, and then this comes along...LIGHTBULB!!!!!! ::slips lg a $20 bill:: Never mention this again.  
  
TRoi7887: Thank you lots! I recommend Paulie and now that I think about it, The Ring did have its sucky moments, but it was a good story.  
  
Identity99 (10): You...you know nothing of Jack Off Jill?!? You live under a rock, yes? Oh well. Kurama's FAMOUS. Why wouldn't anyone want his animated boxers? And yet...you do have a point.  
  
Identity99 (11): Anorexia definitely. I have a lightbulb now. Never mention this again. I'm out of twenties. Settle for an update? Deal. Too bad about your dad. And you know, there's something I've been wondering about Robin: Which one is he? There were three. One died, one became Nightwing (as we have seen this Robin do), and I'm not sure what the other one did, but he wore this Robin costume. They were all different. I am curious. That's going to keep me up all night, I know it....  
  
raven1332: Thanks! 


	13. Chapter Thirteen and RA

BEAST BOY: I thought I died.  
  
You did.  
  
BEAST BOY: So then how can I be here?  
  
Magic. Ooh.  
  
[Disclaimer: I own neither Teen Titans nor the song "View From Heaven" by Yellowcard. I know some of you have been clamoring for an Evanescence songfic chapter, but I like this song better. Don't hurt me! Ow! Who threw that?!? Oh. It's you. Stupid College Scholarship winner. Prepare for a beating, clown...]  
  
-----  
  
I'm just so tired  
  
Won't you sing me to sleep  
  
And fly through my dreams  
  
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight  
  
----  
  
Raven left Harry's and walked down the street in the fading light. She was heading towards the park without realizing it. The rain had slowed to a fine mist in the gray twilight.  
  
She stood on the edge of the cliff that ended the far side of the park, leaning on the guard rail. She looked out over the ocean and breathed in deeply. A tear rolled off her cheek and splashed on the rocks far below.  
  
-------  
  
And get away from this place  
  
Have a new name and face  
  
I just ain't the same without you in my life  
  
----  
  
The wind blew across the bay and ruffled Raven's cloak. She looked down from the top of the cliff and wondered what exactly would happen if she jumped. Would she die for sure? Or was there a chance she would survive?  
  
People had survived falling off buildings before. People survived hanging themselves. Drowning themselves. Shooting themselves. Electrocuting themselves. One guy even survived shooting himself in the head, jumping off a cliff, suffocating himself, and drowning himself all at once.  
  
--------  
  
Late-night drives  
  
All alone in my car  
  
I can't help but start  
  
Singing lines from all our favorite songs  
  
-------  
  
She stepped back from the edge a bit and started to fly back to the Tower. She looked down at the water as she flew and thought what it must be like to drown. The water filling your lungs and sinking to the bottom...closing your eyes for the last time.  
  
Raven landed on the roof and took one look at the bay before going inside. The Tower was dark, and she sighed heavily as she entered the kitchen and started rummaging around for nothing in particular. She wasn't hungry, but the others would talk if she didn't eat.  
  
Let them talk. She didn't care anymore. She didn't care about anything anymore. Herself, her friends, the city...anything. She would care, if Beast Boy was still alive. Not really thinking, she began to roll her sleeve back and rummage for a knife.  
  
--------  
  
And melodies in the air  
  
Singing life just ain't fair  
  
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone  
  
-------  
  
"Raven, what are you—" Robin stopped when he saw her with her hand in the knife drawer. "...doing. You weren't going to cut yourself again, were you?" Good evening, Captain Obvious.  
  
"What gave you that idea, Boy Wonder?" She continued to look for a knife. Robin stepped closer to her and reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head to look at him and slammed the drawer closed.  
  
"Leave me alone. I don't want anyone's help."  
  
"But we want to help you. You're hurting yourself."  
  
"That's the point."  
  
"Why do you really cut?"  
  
"I told you."  
  
"No. Really."  
  
-------  
  
And I'm sure the view from heaven  
  
Beats the hell out of mine here  
  
And if we all believe in heaven  
  
Maybe we'll make it through one more year  
  
Down here  
  
-------  
  
"I...I guess it's just the only way that I can bring all the pain that's inside up to the surface. I hurt the thing on the outside to kill the thing on the inside." Robin caught her in a hesitant embrace as she leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder, arms limp at her sides. More tears dotted his uniform as she cried.  
  
"I miss him."  
  
"We're all going to miss him, Raven. But you can't let that make you cut."  
  
"But I want to die. I really do."  
  
"You think that now."  
  
"I know that. I want to die so I can see Beast Boy again." She picked her head up from his shoulder and looked at him. "I'm miserable here."  
  
---  
  
Feel your fire  
  
When it's cold in my heart  
  
And things sort of start  
  
Reminding me of my last night with you  
  
-----  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
The four remaining Titans sat together on the couch in the living room in the dark that night, doing nothing. Starfire hadn't spoken since the incident occurred and Cyborg was sort of on the verge of a breakdown.  
  
"Now what do we do?" asked Starfire quietly. Nobody said anything for a second or two. Raven spoke up.  
  
"There's always Round Table..." she suggested. Robin snorted.  
  
"No. I'm going to bed. I'm tired." He got up and started walking in the general direction of his room. Starfire also retired soon after. Raven and Cyborg were the only ones left awake.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For being such an idiot."  
  
"I guess I can forgive you. It's not really your fault, and now we're both minus a friend."  
  
-----  
  
I only need one more day  
  
Just one more chance to say  
  
I wish that I had gone on with you too  
  
-----  
  
They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Raven went to bed. But not before she levitated a knife out of the knife drawer and had it follow her down the hall to her room...  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Raven lay on her back on her bed, telekinetically making the knife do tricks in the air above her bed. She carved words in the air, poems, songs, names. Every now and then, she let it fall into her hand so she could cut, but mostly she just watched the blade flash in the dim light.  
  
------  
  
And I'm sure the view from heaven  
  
Beats the hell out of mine here  
  
And if we all believe in heaven  
  
Maybe we'll make it through one more year  
  
Down here  
  
You won't be coming back and I didn't get to say goodbye  
  
I really wish I'd got to say goodbye  
  
-------  
  
What would the knife feel like slipping into her heart? It would hurt, but only for a second. Then pure blackness. It must be nice, Raven thought, to be dead. Nothing to worry about, nothing to fear, nothing to feel.  
  
------  
  
And I'm sure the view from heaven  
  
Beats the hell out of mine here  
  
And if we all believe in heaven  
  
Maybe we'll make it through one more year  
  
I hope that all is well in heaven  
  
Cause it's all shot to hell down here  
  
(we need you)  
  
I hope that I find you in heaven  
  
Cause I'm so lost without you down here  
  
----  
  
But she didn't kill herself, not then at least. She just put the knife on the floor and curled up on top of the covers to try to sleep.  
  
[A/N: Wooo...another chapter. That song almost makes me wish I was a Christian so I could believe in the heaven they talk about.  
  
BEAST BOY: And I'm still dead.  
  
Your point is?  
  
BEAST BOY: Well can I come back to life?  
  
I don't intend on it.  
  
BEAST BOY: Dammit.  
  
Gothica13: BB won't come alive again, Terra will go to the deepest circle of Hell, and the remote will be found after you need to change the channel.  
  
killallfags (2): You flunked Stupid College, didn't you?  
  
KILLALLFAGS (3): Yeah...whatever. fucking idiot. go drown in your own vomit.  
  
Eva (12): Here ya go. Peppermint tea rocks.  
  
Eva(11): Awww...  
  
purplemusicgoddess: ::smile:: you sound like my kind of person.  
  
Rusty Marshmellows: You are most welcome.  
  
UrufuKiba22: Thank you.  
  
raven1332: Thank you.  
  
Raven-Vegeta: Ah yes...the men in the white coats...I know them well. "They're coming to take me away, ha-ha! To the funny farm, whith those nice, nice men in their big white coats..." from Napoleon XIV's "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Ha!" I love that song.  
  
EndlessDeviltry: I'm sorry.  
  
TsukasaSIGN: ::smile:: Thank you.  
  
HyperShadow666: Thank you lots!!  
  
xgirl66: Thanks. 


	14. Chapter Fourteen and RA

BEAST BOY: What's the point, if you're not going to let me come back alive?  
  
That's one of the main driving points in the story.  
  
BEAST BOY: But I like living.  
  
Too bad.  
  
[Disclaimer: Marv Wolfman owns Teen Titans. Or at least he created them. I wonder if he's still alive...Jhonen Vasquez owns Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. I know he's still alive because I have a picture of him on my desktop from the Comic-Con three years ago.]  
  
The storm had picked up again by the next morning and the power was off again. Raven lay on her back, hands folded behind her head, and stared at her ceiling. She closed her eyes and sought out her inner consciousness.  
  
Shadows floated in and out of the mist that hung everywhere. The weather from outside seemed to have weaseled its way in. A black-cloaked Raven sat on a rock, knees drawn up to her chest, chin resting on arms that were folded on top.  
  
Raven walked over to the other Raven in her mind. Without looking up from watching the shadows float past, the black-clad Raven muttered something.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just kill me. There's no point in living anymore, if he's not here." Raven (the regular one) sat down next to her sorrowful counterpart, and thought about what she was saying.  
  
"I don't want to be alive anymore. I want to die, so I can see him again. Kill me." Raven thought of the knife on the floor by her bed. "He wants to see me. I want to see him. He can't be brought back to life. I can die. I want to die. Kill me. Let me die."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Raven opened her eyes and sat up. The room started spinning and she held her head. Her arms hurt from all the cuts from the night before that crisscrossed each other and played around dangerously close to her wrists. Her heart hurt from the loss of the one she loved. Her head hurt for no apparent reason at all.  
  
But she got up anyway. The tower was deserted for the most part, and she decided to return the knife to the kitchen.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"Raven, what are you doing?" asked Starfire from behind. Raven froze with her hand on the handle of the knife drawer. Hiding the knife behind her back, Raven turned around.  
  
"You were not going to cut yourself again, were you?" asked the young alien. Raven shook her head, and that was the truth—she had already done it. She put the knife on the counter and slipped past Starfire to go to her room. Star grabbed her arm before she could realize what was going on and pulled her sleeve back.  
  
"Raven, what have you done to yourself?!" She turned loose of her friend's arm and let her go back to her room, where she stayed for the rest of the day.  
  
Raven sat on her bed, the only sound breaking the silence being the soft wet pattering sound of rain outside. She looked at her arms every now and then. All of a sudden, she just started flipping out and scratching at the cuts that had not yet healed, making them break open again and bleed.  
  
The blood got all over her bed, but she didn't care. Raven just kept scratching at her arms until they bled afresh. She couldn't breathe...she just kept choking back the tears and wishing she could die.  
  
.  
  
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The ground looked far away from this high up, but that was all for the better. Taking a deep breath, Raven looked out at the bay, gray in the stormy light of a week-long torrent. The waves crashed on the beach below, hardly making any noise over the racket of the storm.  
  
"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along," Raven said to no one anybody else could see. She closed her eyes for a moment as the cold wind blew around her, making her cloak whip around to one side.  
  
Opening her eyes, Raven walked back to the middle of the roof. She turned. Swallowing her fear, she started running...  
  
.  
  
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"Where's Raven?" asked Robin as he rummaged into he refrigerator for something to eat for supper. Starfire looked up from Raven's book of short stories that she had found on the coffee table and sighed softly.  
  
"I have not seen her since this morning. She is most likely still in her bedroom. At least, I hope that is where she is."  
  
"I'm gonna go look for her. She has to eat something, or she'll starve."  
  
"Is that not her point?" the Tamaranian said to herself after he had left. She went back to reading "The Violet Car."  
  
.  
  
"Raven? Are you there?" Robin knocked on her door. No response, obviously. He knocked again and opened the door a little.  
  
"Are you there?" He opened the door all the way to discover what else but an empty room. He walked in and looked around. The bed was made up, all the books were on their shelves, and nothing was out of place. There was a piece of paper on Raven's pillow. Robin picked it up.  
  
_"Sometimes...you can cry until there is nothing wet in you. You can scream and curse until your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray all you want to whatever god you think will listen. And still, it makes no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you never know that if it ever did relent, it would not be because it cared."  
_  
Robin dropped the note and ran. He climbed the stairs three at a time and made it to the roof just in time to see Raven turn around and start to run.  
  
"RAVEN!!!" He dashed to the edge of the roof after his friend and just caught her hand as she left the top of the tower. She glared up at him.  
  
"Let me go!" He pulled her back up onto the roof with him and held on to her tightly as she tried to make a break for it. Tears started to roll down Raven's cheeks as she was dragged kicking and screaming away from the edge of the roof.  
  
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As soon as Robin set her down on the couch, Raven curled up and began to cry silently. She had almost done it. She had almost jumped to her death from the top of the tower, and she still wanted to do it.  
  
[A/N: Well how's that for depression for ya? The story's getting good. Will Raven get her wish and commit suicide? Will she be stopped? Will killallfags ever stop reviewing for my story?  
  
The suicide note Robin found is a quote from a comic by the phenomenally famous Jhonen Vasquez called Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. I love it.  
  
BEAST BOY: I want to live.  
  
Too bad. If you want to do something about that, go see Hades. I'm sure he'll be able to do something about that for you.  
  
BEAST BOY: I don't have the money for that kind of trip.  
  
Well neither do I. Hitchhike.  
  
TsukasaSIGN: ::smile:: Thank you.  
  
Big Mac: I'm sorry. Thank you!!!  
  
killallfags (13): Fine then. Apparently, you sent the complements after I had already answered the reviews, but if you don't want me to dis you then just stay the fuck away from my story, okay?  
  
steph4nie-ff: I'm sorry!! Thank you.  
  
Weeble Wobble Chick: She's certainly trying to kill herself. I was going to update as soon as I got this review, but the damn computer wouldn't let me get on the ff.net site to see my reviews.  
  
phoenix7929: Thank you lots! I'm a Witch.  
  
UrufuKiba22: That's okay...deep thoughts. Wonderful. I shall.  
  
Eva: Thanks.  
  
killallfags (8): ::rolls up sleeves:: It's on now, clown. ::fights killallfags:: ::wins:: Yay!  
  
killallfags (6): Fuck you to the moon and back.  
  
Identity99 (13): I'm getting to it...I have a voice in my head too. His name is LittleVoice. LittleVoice thanks your little voices. So do I.  
  
Identity99 (12): Thank you! Jack Off Jill is a band and Kurama is just a character from another show. He got a taxi back to his world. He won't be coming back to this story.  
  
purplemusicgoddess: Thank you. Author Alert is where you can get an e-mail saying when a certain author has updated a story. I use it often. Is helpful. You can ban people from reviewing your stories, but not if they're posting anonymously, like that coward is.  
  
raven1322: lol. Thank you.  
  
Raven-Vegeta: I love that song. Thank you!  
  
Da Mann: What do you mean, HAVE ENJOYED?!?! YOU BETTER KEEP ENJOYING. The story isn't over yet. I do believe in a heaven, but I know it's not the one in the song.  
  
EndlessDeviltry: Thanks!  
  
Bilious: Thank you.  
  
Thank you reviewers! Good night, Cleveland!! Well...Arkadelphia...Arkado...Arkadonothing...whichever. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Beast Boy is out by the highway trying to hitch a ride to the River Styx. Isn't it amazing that Styx is a river and not just a band? I find it fascinating.  
  
[Disclaimer: If I owned Teen Titans, the clouds would be jealous.]  
  
"What happened?" asked Starfire. Wringing water out of his cape, Robin said, "She tried to kill herself." Starfire's eyes widened. She looked at Raven, who was still curled up on the end of the couch. Robin sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders.  
  
"Get your arm the fuck off my shoulder!" Raven's head snapped up and she glared at Robin furiously. "Would you all just leave me alone and let me die already? You don't get it. I WANT TO DIE."  
  
Taken aback, Robin shrank away from her. She curled back up and glared out the windows.  
  
"What are you looking at?" she snapped. Starfire hid behind Robin as the very unhappy telepath sulked.  
  
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"He stopped me. That...that...fumbling idiot stopped me..." black-cloaked Raven fumed. Regular Raven sat down next to her.  
  
"He stopped me for my own good, right?"  
  
"Then why do I feel so bad? Kill me already!" Black-clad Raven stood up and looked over the edge of the floating pathway at the blackness. "Go ahead. Just go find a knife or something."  
  
"What if it doesn't work?"  
  
"What do you mean, doesn't work? Of course it'll work. It has to work. If it doesn't work—"  
  
"I'll kill myself."  
  
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They were fools, the lot of them. They had let Raven sleep in her own room, but Robin had insisted on keeping watch outside so that she didn't make a run for it.  
  
"Robin, let me out."  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No, Raven."  
  
"Jackass." She went back and flopped down on her bed. She thought about nothing for an hour or so until she was fairly sure Robin was asleep. She tried to open the door, but of course it was locked from the other side. For the first time since she became a Titan, she wished there were windows in her room.  
  
Raven looked through the drawers in her desk for anything she could slit her wrists with. She found nothing. The same results with her dresser and closet. Fed up, she attacked the lock on the door telekinetically. Slide back the first tooth...second...third...ninth...click.  
  
Robin was indeed asleep when Raven opened the door as silently as was to her ability. Sighing with relief that she had not been stopped, she headed for the stairs to the roof.  
  
The wind blew across the rooftop fiercely, again blowing her cloak out to the side. She sat down on the western edge of the roof, watching the sun set beyond the far edge of the clouds. She let her eyes slip out of focus as she stared.  
  
A glowing black knife floated out onto the roof behind her and, without turning around, Raven took it in her hand. She closed her eyes as the coolness of the blade pressed into the thin skin of her wrist. Each hand.  
  
Raven dropped the knife on the roof beside her as it became harder to breathe. Her head was swimming and she couldn't focus on anything. She looked down and saw red. Vast amounts of red. Then...black. It felt good.  
  
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"Robin! How could you fall asleep? Raven is gone!" Starfire shook Robin awake, a look of distress on her face. Cyborg was behind her. He stood up.  
  
"We can't find her anywhere," said Cyborg. Frowning, Robin ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"Did you check the living room?" Nod. "Bathroom?" Nod. "Beast Boy's room?" Nod. "Roof?" Run.  
  
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.  
  
"Oh my God..." And there she was. Cyborg stepped forward hesitantly, skirting the large pool of blood. He knelt beside his still friend and took her pulse, hands trembling (much like mine as I write this).  
  
"She's...she's...she's dead." Starfire put her hand over her mouth as she stared at her unmoving teammate to stifle her scream. Robin's eyes widened as he turned and put an arm around Starfire. Cyborg backed away from Raven's body. Now two of his friends were dead. What next?  
  
[Okay, if it was me here, I'd just go ahead and call the morgue, get the coroner to come over for lunch, and get on with my life, but...]  
  
"Why did she do this to herself? Why did she kill herself?" Starfire choked out between sobs.  
  
"Because...because...she loved him. She loved Beast Boy and he died, but she still wanted to be with him."  
  
"But...I still do not understand."  
  
"That's all the explanation we have for now, Star...and neither of them will ever come back..."  
  
The funeral was small. Robin, Cyborg, and Starfire were the only three there besides the undertaker, minister, and a couple of stray crows. Starfire was the only one who had to undergo extensive therapy concerning what happened, and the bloodstain never completely washed out of the roof.  
  
Thus, there was no Beast Boy to compel Terra to stay when she showed up, so she ended up running away and got run over by a tractor-trailer truck carrying tube socks. The driver of the truck was not harmed. Booya.  
  
[A/N: I feel cheap! That was a very anticlimactic ending, I believe...though I did cry while writing it. I just felt like a little Terra-bashing there at the end.  
  
I know it's been a while since I updated, and you really want your reviews answered, but I don't want to. I do appreciate all reviews IMMENSELY.  
  
End. 


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